Jean: A Legend In My Own Mind (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zouzounaki) wrote2007-02-15 01:04 pm
zouzounaki) wrote2007-02-15 01:04 pm
Entry tags:
Me > Blah blah blah
Been thinking a whole lot about actor obsession lately. I dunno, it's strange, I never thought 30 would make a difference, but here I find myself coming up on three decades of existence, I'm thinking a lot about my habits, my tastes, and what will change, what should change and what will never change.
I guess I always felt like there was some sort of childlike stigma attached to actor obsessions; you know, the wink behind her back meaning, 'we know why she really wants to see the movie...' It's of course a total fallacy because adults a lot older than me still religiously follow Brad and Angelina's every move, scramble to see who Leo is dating after his breakup etc. Not that I look down on that; we each have our own hobbies and distractions and as long as we're not hurting anyone, to each their own. Of course, there are always celebrity stalkers, which are extreme cases and probably make up something like .05 of celebrity fandom in general.
And then, much more commonly, there are the people who can't really seperate the reality of stardom with their own fantasies. Again, most of these people are in no way dangerous, but it's an extreme and isn't healthy for the people either. And don't get me wrong, because I think a lot of the times, 'Oh, we'd get along if we met.' Or, 'We'd have really interesting conversations,' and even, 'He'd so hit on me!' But there's that line, that thing that reminds you that this person exists mostly inside your head, even what you know and like of their personality and life is applied in terms of your fantasies. It's their job, to do that, to enter your imgination so prominently; that's how they become and stay famous! It's not necessarily an enlightened point of view, but more a personal preference of mine. They are only human, right? But, in my fantasies, they can have all the same quirks, all the same habits and personality traits without all that muss and fuss of real life getting in the way.
So, getting back to the original topic: Why do I feel like it's juvenile, at my age, to have a celebrity crush (and I'll stop using obsession because I think I defined that pretty well above, and that ain't me)? Or a new celebrity crush, because I'm not ashamed of the ones I've had since I was a wee tot.
Maybe it's partly because my ideas of celebrity crushes haven't changed since I was young. I'm extremely interested in the celebrities I crush on, in their talent and their personality, and both of those can make a star the most physically attractive person I've ever seen. Very few times have I crushed on someone just because of their looks--as a matter of fact, I can't really think of one. I'm not trying to sell you that I'm the least shallow fan in existence because that'd just be silly; I have my shallowness, trust me! A role they play can click with me and someone who I've seen around all my life can suddenly just grip me (see: my most recent crush on Nic Cage, whom my sister's had a rare an elusive man-crush on for a while now and whose movies I've grown up watching.)
But back to the juvenilia. Certainly I'm in fandoms now where I know plenty of women my age and older who have respectable celebrity crushes, so why do I still feel embarrassed about it? Why am I hesitant to admit even in private that I want to watch everything I can get my hands on of that particular actor/actress? How does someone with almost no social taboos (me), blush at the mere mention of a crush's name because I feel like I'm being judged? It's like a mental block that I have, though it's only really started rearing it's ugly head over the past couple of years, as I got older.
I've always been the baby of the family and in some ways, ways I'm just discovering, I've always felt like everything I did was sort of the immature version of what the adults around me were doing (the closest family member in age, my sister, is still eight years older than me). I was aware at a very young age, which I've discussed with my sister before, condescending attitudes towards me even as little as five or six. You know, 'the kid said something incorrectly, it's so cute let's laugh in her face and never let her forget it.' I said it earlier on in the post, about that sly, knowing attitude of just wanting to watch a movie because mr. or ms. x is in it. Which I have done and have been extremely upfront about it. I am severely interested in acting ability but lookin' at 'em is fine too sometimes, and a good goofball action flick is sometimes the most fun thing to watch.
So where is this all going, you may ask, if you've been patient enough to actually read through all of my ramblings. The answer is, I dunno. That's what I'm interested in finding out. I think it's good to get it out there, to actually try to articulate what I'm feeling instead of holding it in because that only leads to twelve kinds of unhealthy. I think it's better to stand back a bit too and really think about what I've written, why I feel that way and what can be done.
Oh, and, if you've read my journal, you probably know I've got a wicked sense of humor, in more ways than one. Which is why I renamed my journal what i have. But I have to admit, even I blushed when it showed up in HUGE letters at the top of the page with my new format. Not enough to change it, mind, heh!
Peace, Ghani
I guess I always felt like there was some sort of childlike stigma attached to actor obsessions; you know, the wink behind her back meaning, 'we know why she really wants to see the movie...' It's of course a total fallacy because adults a lot older than me still religiously follow Brad and Angelina's every move, scramble to see who Leo is dating after his breakup etc. Not that I look down on that; we each have our own hobbies and distractions and as long as we're not hurting anyone, to each their own. Of course, there are always celebrity stalkers, which are extreme cases and probably make up something like .05 of celebrity fandom in general.
And then, much more commonly, there are the people who can't really seperate the reality of stardom with their own fantasies. Again, most of these people are in no way dangerous, but it's an extreme and isn't healthy for the people either. And don't get me wrong, because I think a lot of the times, 'Oh, we'd get along if we met.' Or, 'We'd have really interesting conversations,' and even, 'He'd so hit on me!' But there's that line, that thing that reminds you that this person exists mostly inside your head, even what you know and like of their personality and life is applied in terms of your fantasies. It's their job, to do that, to enter your imgination so prominently; that's how they become and stay famous! It's not necessarily an enlightened point of view, but more a personal preference of mine. They are only human, right? But, in my fantasies, they can have all the same quirks, all the same habits and personality traits without all that muss and fuss of real life getting in the way.
So, getting back to the original topic: Why do I feel like it's juvenile, at my age, to have a celebrity crush (and I'll stop using obsession because I think I defined that pretty well above, and that ain't me)? Or a new celebrity crush, because I'm not ashamed of the ones I've had since I was a wee tot.
Maybe it's partly because my ideas of celebrity crushes haven't changed since I was young. I'm extremely interested in the celebrities I crush on, in their talent and their personality, and both of those can make a star the most physically attractive person I've ever seen. Very few times have I crushed on someone just because of their looks--as a matter of fact, I can't really think of one. I'm not trying to sell you that I'm the least shallow fan in existence because that'd just be silly; I have my shallowness, trust me! A role they play can click with me and someone who I've seen around all my life can suddenly just grip me (see: my most recent crush on Nic Cage, whom my sister's had a rare an elusive man-crush on for a while now and whose movies I've grown up watching.)
But back to the juvenilia. Certainly I'm in fandoms now where I know plenty of women my age and older who have respectable celebrity crushes, so why do I still feel embarrassed about it? Why am I hesitant to admit even in private that I want to watch everything I can get my hands on of that particular actor/actress? How does someone with almost no social taboos (me), blush at the mere mention of a crush's name because I feel like I'm being judged? It's like a mental block that I have, though it's only really started rearing it's ugly head over the past couple of years, as I got older.
I've always been the baby of the family and in some ways, ways I'm just discovering, I've always felt like everything I did was sort of the immature version of what the adults around me were doing (the closest family member in age, my sister, is still eight years older than me). I was aware at a very young age, which I've discussed with my sister before, condescending attitudes towards me even as little as five or six. You know, 'the kid said something incorrectly, it's so cute let's laugh in her face and never let her forget it.' I said it earlier on in the post, about that sly, knowing attitude of just wanting to watch a movie because mr. or ms. x is in it. Which I have done and have been extremely upfront about it. I am severely interested in acting ability but lookin' at 'em is fine too sometimes, and a good goofball action flick is sometimes the most fun thing to watch.
So where is this all going, you may ask, if you've been patient enough to actually read through all of my ramblings. The answer is, I dunno. That's what I'm interested in finding out. I think it's good to get it out there, to actually try to articulate what I'm feeling instead of holding it in because that only leads to twelve kinds of unhealthy. I think it's better to stand back a bit too and really think about what I've written, why I feel that way and what can be done.
Oh, and, if you've read my journal, you probably know I've got a wicked sense of humor, in more ways than one. Which is why I renamed my journal what i have. But I have to admit, even I blushed when it showed up in HUGE letters at the top of the page with my new format. Not enough to change it, mind, heh!
Peace, Ghani
no subject
Don't feel bad; I consider myself to be one of the most "adult" and responsible of many of my friends, all owing to that ESTJ personality thing. But my actor crushes didn't return until I was 30 myself!
I did the whole massive crush thing in my early teens (Duran Duran OMG I LOVED THEM), and for many years after that I was only interested in Real!Boyz. But then in 1999, when I was turning 30 myself-- and I'm aging myself here-- I developed a searing hormonal thing for Ewan McGregor. After that it was all downhill-- David Wenham, Orlando, Ioan, etc. And I've even progressed to fictional or animated characters. I watch anime and develop massive crushes on men who are DRAWN. ;)
However, my obsessions have usually been focused around a character, rather than the actor himself. As far as Ewan, it was all about Obi-Wan. Any fanfiction or fantasies I had revolved around the Jedi-ness of him. But I would still watch anything Ewan was in, just to admire his talent and his hottness. Same with Ioan-- it was all about Hornblower, but in the heat of my passion I would still search out anything with him in it, just to drool. I’ll still be at the theater to see Amazing Grace.
According to "professional" things I've read about those people who stalk actors, the percentage of those people is actually very small and what we do is quite innocent in comparison. The ones who are dangerous have something up with them already, and it’s not necessarily their obsession with the actor that’s the real problem.
Truthfully, I've never been very interested in the actors’ personalities themselves, just in what they do on-screen. Yeah, I've read about Ioan's private life, scoffed at his girlfriend's dresses, etc-- I even know someone who's in FF4:2 and have been given the option of going up to Vancouver. But call me crazy, I’d rather save my money for my Japan trip this fall. NOT that I wouldn't maybe pay money to put my tongue on him, if the opportunity was guaranteed, or if I had some Guinness and some Spanish Fly. ;) I’m still a red-blooded woman, after all. (And saying things like that is somewhat “over the line,” but I think it’s perfectly safe to do with your friends who understand you, ha ha!)
Overall, though, I figure my fantasy of the character is best and I'll stick with that. It’s an escape that I enjoy; everyone has their escapes, though some are more socially prevalent than others (sports, politics, etc.) Some people consider actor/character crushes juvenile, but those are often the same people who consider science fiction or fantasy to be juvenile, people whom I consider to have little imagination. And with character/actor crushes you can learn the characters at your leisure and explore them, what you like and what you don’t like. In real life, what if I met Ioan and he was a vapid jerk and I hated him? (Though I actually hear he's super-nice; I'm speaking hypothetically). I've met actors/bands serendipitously who were jerks, and now I don't want to listen to their music/watch their movies.
And the people who like you will understand you! At work they laugh good-naturedly at my pictures/calendars/DOLLS in my office. But those things have brought out the other people like me in the office. I have several women now, some married, some older, some younger, who stop by my office to say “did you see those amazing new pictures of Orlando on the Internet?”
Whew!
As for the tagline on your page, personally I’m not offended. I have the dirtiest mouth EVAR, fuckity fuckity fuck. (Actually, I heard a new obscenity this morning. My minion Jeremy came into my office this morning, saying that another woman in the office was a “thunder-cunt.” I laughed until I almost fell out of my chair.) But the tagline is not work-safe! Even when minimized, it says “I wanna fuck N” at the bottom of my Windows, LOL!
Have a lovely day, deah!!!!
no subject
But the tagline is not work-safe! Even when minimized, it says “I wanna fuck N” at the bottom of my Windows, LOL!
Bwahahaha, no it isn't is it? {blush}
Actually, I heard a new obscenity this morning. My minion Jeremy came into my office this morning, saying that another woman in the office was a “thunder-cunt.”
Oh my God, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think my favorite insult of all time comes from my father (who said I had a mouth like a garbage can but never stopped to think where I got it, hehe) upon seeing a female politician on tv he was particularly fed up with: "I hope her twat withers and falls off onto the floor."
He also had one of the greates "clean" insults I've ever heard: "I've only ever truly hated two people in this world--Hilter and [my mom's aunt]." Pause. "And Hitler's only word of mouth."
XD
I'm going to the special hell, aren't I?