Me > Blah blah blah
Feb. 15th, 2007 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zouzounakiBeen thinking a whole lot about actor obsession lately. I dunno, it's strange, I never thought 30 would make a difference, but here I find myself coming up on three decades of existence, I'm thinking a lot about my habits, my tastes, and what will change, what should change and what will never change.
I guess I always felt like there was some sort of childlike stigma attached to actor obsessions; you know, the wink behind her back meaning, 'we know why she really wants to see the movie...' It's of course a total fallacy because adults a lot older than me still religiously follow Brad and Angelina's every move, scramble to see who Leo is dating after his breakup etc. Not that I look down on that; we each have our own hobbies and distractions and as long as we're not hurting anyone, to each their own. Of course, there are always celebrity stalkers, which are extreme cases and probably make up something like .05 of celebrity fandom in general.
And then, much more commonly, there are the people who can't really seperate the reality of stardom with their own fantasies. Again, most of these people are in no way dangerous, but it's an extreme and isn't healthy for the people either. And don't get me wrong, because I think a lot of the times, 'Oh, we'd get along if we met.' Or, 'We'd have really interesting conversations,' and even, 'He'd so hit on me!' But there's that line, that thing that reminds you that this person exists mostly inside your head, even what you know and like of their personality and life is applied in terms of your fantasies. It's their job, to do that, to enter your imgination so prominently; that's how they become and stay famous! It's not necessarily an enlightened point of view, but more a personal preference of mine. They are only human, right? But, in my fantasies, they can have all the same quirks, all the same habits and personality traits without all that muss and fuss of real life getting in the way.
So, getting back to the original topic: Why do I feel like it's juvenile, at my age, to have a celebrity crush (and I'll stop using obsession because I think I defined that pretty well above, and that ain't me)? Or a new celebrity crush, because I'm not ashamed of the ones I've had since I was a wee tot.
Maybe it's partly because my ideas of celebrity crushes haven't changed since I was young. I'm extremely interested in the celebrities I crush on, in their talent and their personality, and both of those can make a star the most physically attractive person I've ever seen. Very few times have I crushed on someone just because of their looks--as a matter of fact, I can't really think of one. I'm not trying to sell you that I'm the least shallow fan in existence because that'd just be silly; I have my shallowness, trust me! A role they play can click with me and someone who I've seen around all my life can suddenly just grip me (see: my most recent crush on Nic Cage, whom my sister's had a rare an elusive man-crush on for a while now and whose movies I've grown up watching.)
But back to the juvenilia. Certainly I'm in fandoms now where I know plenty of women my age and older who have respectable celebrity crushes, so why do I still feel embarrassed about it? Why am I hesitant to admit even in private that I want to watch everything I can get my hands on of that particular actor/actress? How does someone with almost no social taboos (me), blush at the mere mention of a crush's name because I feel like I'm being judged? It's like a mental block that I have, though it's only really started rearing it's ugly head over the past couple of years, as I got older.
I've always been the baby of the family and in some ways, ways I'm just discovering, I've always felt like everything I did was sort of the immature version of what the adults around me were doing (the closest family member in age, my sister, is still eight years older than me). I was aware at a very young age, which I've discussed with my sister before, condescending attitudes towards me even as little as five or six. You know, 'the kid said something incorrectly, it's so cute let's laugh in her face and never let her forget it.' I said it earlier on in the post, about that sly, knowing attitude of just wanting to watch a movie because mr. or ms. x is in it. Which I have done and have been extremely upfront about it. I am severely interested in acting ability but lookin' at 'em is fine too sometimes, and a good goofball action flick is sometimes the most fun thing to watch.
So where is this all going, you may ask, if you've been patient enough to actually read through all of my ramblings. The answer is, I dunno. That's what I'm interested in finding out. I think it's good to get it out there, to actually try to articulate what I'm feeling instead of holding it in because that only leads to twelve kinds of unhealthy. I think it's better to stand back a bit too and really think about what I've written, why I feel that way and what can be done.
Oh, and, if you've read my journal, you probably know I've got a wicked sense of humor, in more ways than one. Which is why I renamed my journal what i have. But I have to admit, even I blushed when it showed up in HUGE letters at the top of the page with my new format. Not enough to change it, mind, heh!
Peace, Ghani
I guess I always felt like there was some sort of childlike stigma attached to actor obsessions; you know, the wink behind her back meaning, 'we know why she really wants to see the movie...' It's of course a total fallacy because adults a lot older than me still religiously follow Brad and Angelina's every move, scramble to see who Leo is dating after his breakup etc. Not that I look down on that; we each have our own hobbies and distractions and as long as we're not hurting anyone, to each their own. Of course, there are always celebrity stalkers, which are extreme cases and probably make up something like .05 of celebrity fandom in general.
And then, much more commonly, there are the people who can't really seperate the reality of stardom with their own fantasies. Again, most of these people are in no way dangerous, but it's an extreme and isn't healthy for the people either. And don't get me wrong, because I think a lot of the times, 'Oh, we'd get along if we met.' Or, 'We'd have really interesting conversations,' and even, 'He'd so hit on me!' But there's that line, that thing that reminds you that this person exists mostly inside your head, even what you know and like of their personality and life is applied in terms of your fantasies. It's their job, to do that, to enter your imgination so prominently; that's how they become and stay famous! It's not necessarily an enlightened point of view, but more a personal preference of mine. They are only human, right? But, in my fantasies, they can have all the same quirks, all the same habits and personality traits without all that muss and fuss of real life getting in the way.
So, getting back to the original topic: Why do I feel like it's juvenile, at my age, to have a celebrity crush (and I'll stop using obsession because I think I defined that pretty well above, and that ain't me)? Or a new celebrity crush, because I'm not ashamed of the ones I've had since I was a wee tot.
Maybe it's partly because my ideas of celebrity crushes haven't changed since I was young. I'm extremely interested in the celebrities I crush on, in their talent and their personality, and both of those can make a star the most physically attractive person I've ever seen. Very few times have I crushed on someone just because of their looks--as a matter of fact, I can't really think of one. I'm not trying to sell you that I'm the least shallow fan in existence because that'd just be silly; I have my shallowness, trust me! A role they play can click with me and someone who I've seen around all my life can suddenly just grip me (see: my most recent crush on Nic Cage, whom my sister's had a rare an elusive man-crush on for a while now and whose movies I've grown up watching.)
But back to the juvenilia. Certainly I'm in fandoms now where I know plenty of women my age and older who have respectable celebrity crushes, so why do I still feel embarrassed about it? Why am I hesitant to admit even in private that I want to watch everything I can get my hands on of that particular actor/actress? How does someone with almost no social taboos (me), blush at the mere mention of a crush's name because I feel like I'm being judged? It's like a mental block that I have, though it's only really started rearing it's ugly head over the past couple of years, as I got older.
I've always been the baby of the family and in some ways, ways I'm just discovering, I've always felt like everything I did was sort of the immature version of what the adults around me were doing (the closest family member in age, my sister, is still eight years older than me). I was aware at a very young age, which I've discussed with my sister before, condescending attitudes towards me even as little as five or six. You know, 'the kid said something incorrectly, it's so cute let's laugh in her face and never let her forget it.' I said it earlier on in the post, about that sly, knowing attitude of just wanting to watch a movie because mr. or ms. x is in it. Which I have done and have been extremely upfront about it. I am severely interested in acting ability but lookin' at 'em is fine too sometimes, and a good goofball action flick is sometimes the most fun thing to watch.
So where is this all going, you may ask, if you've been patient enough to actually read through all of my ramblings. The answer is, I dunno. That's what I'm interested in finding out. I think it's good to get it out there, to actually try to articulate what I'm feeling instead of holding it in because that only leads to twelve kinds of unhealthy. I think it's better to stand back a bit too and really think about what I've written, why I feel that way and what can be done.
Oh, and, if you've read my journal, you probably know I've got a wicked sense of humor, in more ways than one. Which is why I renamed my journal what i have. But I have to admit, even I blushed when it showed up in HUGE letters at the top of the page with my new format. Not enough to change it, mind, heh!
Peace, Ghani
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no subject
on 2007-02-16 03:13 am (UTC)I used to be really selfconscious about my crushes and never really told anyone, but I enjoyed watching other things they'd done, finding out what they were like and looking at them. I am at the point that now I don't really care if people laugh behind my back. Let's face it, most people have actors/celebrities they like whether they admit it to themselves or not.
I think the internet has changed fandom forever. It makes celebrities appear as though they are more accessible to their fans and it is in part responsible when people are no longer able to tell when they have crossed the line to the 'dark side'.
It is a very strange phenomenon when you think about it. If you ever get to meet a favorite actor, you know so much about them and their lives that it feels as if they had been your friends for a very long time. On the other hand they know nothing about you and in most cases never will, most likely they will not even recognize you if they ever see you again.
It can make for a very unhealthy situation. Interesting thoughts, I have had many conversations with other friends on the subject.
no subject
on 2007-02-18 06:36 pm (UTC)Hehehehehe!
The internet really was a strange addition to our culture; so much good came out of it (says the agoraphobe who was really kind of floundering before I made so many mahvelous friends online!) But then, it does seem to play right into the most unhealthy aspects of people's personalities, with its up to date box office returns and cutting edge celebrity gossip--hear about it two minutes after it happened!
The worst trend I've noticed lately is that people have taken almost everything and put it in the negative; on the Doctor Who message board I admin for, someone came right out and said that fan forums are for pissing and moaning (one of my fellow admins observed sarcastically: 'Blimey! No wonder I haven't been enjoying it lately; I've been doing it wrong!') My sister put it best when she said, 'There are no trolls anymore; they've taken everything over so anyone sane or with something reasonable to say is made to feel unwelcome.'
It's really sad, but it seems very true. Even on actor's forums it's turned into, 'You suck!' 'No, you suck!' 'Well, you suck more!' On a forum my sister frequents, one poster called for no more 'my other favorite director is better than your other favorite director!' Which is hilarious if you see it from the outside, but really shameful if that's what things have really come down to.
About my self-consciousness, I dunno, I've always felt like a kind of punk-rock attitude trapped in a timid little body, with a 'fuck you, I'll like what I like!' personality. But there were all sorts of politics at work, a lot within my family, where I was made to feel like I was particularly flightly or superficial. I guess as I get older and I'm more my siblings' equal age-wise, some of that is coming back to me.
Ah, well, I'm working hard to get that punk-rock attitude to the fore again! ;-)
no subject
on 2007-02-16 05:53 pm (UTC)I haven't had that many crushes. Elvis when I was a kid, big time! Paul Newman forever, but I don't fantasize about him for some reason. Before Hornblower I went through a Val Kilmer phase, watched all his movies, and fantasized, the whole nine yards, though I never checked him out online or wanted to meet him. Then there was Hornblower and Ioan and Robert. I enjoyed fantasies about both of them, individually and together, snort! I collected their stuff but again, didn't read a whole lot about their real lives. I remember thinking some unflattering thoughts about people who got so obsessed with Bamber and wanted to meet him. Not unflattering so much, as thinking it was a little too obsessive to meet and give gifts and all that. But then, there I went and did the same thing with the McGann. That one did go a smidgeon over healthy fantasy I think, learning too much about the real life, becoming emotionally invested, and then disappointed when I found out he was actually a lizard. I'm over it now, but it did cause some distress, more than it should have. But I did learn my lesson.
Now, I'm back to shallowly enjoying and fantasizing from a distance, a great distance, which makes me a very happy fangirl.
My current crush is Jamie Fraser, a book character, not an actor, and he has yet to be portrayed by any actor, so I feel pretty safe.
I honestly feel that some starcrushing is a-okay and healthy, and that it can create an escape of sorts for people. The level one immerses themself in that escape is the important thing, because it can go overboard and interfere. McGann and all the traveling I did for a few years there, 2003-2005, provided a much needed escape for me at a time when I was adjusting to my son having left the nest. I needed it, but still, it was an escape and I admit that. But now I'm not feeling as needy, and as a result, I'm not into the fandom thingie quite so much at the moment. Because I'm enjoying my real life more. So, I maintain that fandom is a type of escape for people. Whether it stays a healthy escape or strays into the rhealm of unhealthy is up to the individual I suppose.
I'm glad I broke away from my McGann crush, because I feel healthier, less obsessed, and happier with me now. But I'm not saying that's the way it has to be with others; that's just my own experience.
Love ya girl and thanks for the thoughts, ya philosophical thing you. One more thing I will say about aging - as I get older I become less and less worried about what others think, and I say what I think. If folks don't like it they can lump it. So, while I do have pretty strong thoughts about some people being too obsessed with actors and the media, I am not afraid to say that I love looking at the naked male body because it is a thing of beauty and I will continue to do so proudly!!!
squeezes and smooches
no subject
on 2007-02-18 07:23 pm (UTC)The big three-oh is in October and, I'll admit, I'm pretty excited about it! It means my brother's turning 40 in May though, which I can't quite wrap my head around!
I think I've always been a little scared of having my heart broken by a celeb crush, which is why I've (normally) steered clear of real!them. I've had perfectly nice, civil encounters with some, which I walked away from thinking, 'Gee, aren't they swell?!' (Robert Sean Leonard, nicest guy! An absolute doll!) Sometimes I would crudely describe what I could do to them with my tongue to a friend I was with, but all in good fun, natch.
And then, there were other times (*coughSamWestinDCcough*) Though, admittedly, I still laugh my ass off about that. I think that's healthy, heh!
I watched Adaptation yesterday with Ann and one line really stuck out for me, especially because I've been going through this small pseudo-identity crisis lately: "You are what you love, not what loves you."
Yeah :-)
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on 2007-02-18 10:38 pm (UTC)But what about Sam in DC? What do ya still laugh your ass off about?
What the heck did I miss?
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on 2007-02-19 06:24 pm (UTC)What the heck did I miss?
Oh my, have I actually not gossiped about thsi to you before?! Heeheehee!
Weeeelllll, where to start...Ah, yes, the 19 year old he picked up at an anti-war rally infront of the Capital Building, whom he decided to bring along to our dinner with him. She had no freakin' clue who we were, so I have to feel sorry for her; she looked like she was stuck in The Twilight Zone, bwahahahaha!
Let me tell you, he is such an egomaniac; he talked about himself all night but then pretended to be so disturbed by us, like we were molesting him. He picked one place to sit the entire night, in the corner, didn't introduce himself even to Sandra, who was the one who had written him the letter asking him to meet us. The rest of us were on our own to get drunk and giggle behind his back (which we did with aplomb! The bar actually ran out of Smirnoffs! I'm totally serious!)
I know a lot of the people with us had a good time, mostly those who were at his table, but others are just in complete denial. I had to wait until I was alone with PowderMonkey before we burst out laughing about the whole thing, hehehe!
no subject
on 2007-02-16 05:59 pm (UTC)I LOVE YOUR NEW HEADER! Honesty is the best policy I always say.
I also was gonna tell you that I'm the baby in my family too and can totally relate to what you said about that, because it is true. My parents always expected more from or relied more on my sister, the older, more responsible one. But that is changing now I think.
I hope it works out for you and Nic, heeheee!
love
no subject
on 2007-02-18 07:29 pm (UTC)Towards the end of her life, my relationship with my mother really grew and evolved and I think she began to see, well, me. I was totally honest with her about everything and I thank goodness every day I had that opportunity. And then i lost that outlet and I think I lost my footing a little because there was no one I was as honest, more true to myself with. But I am making a conscious effort to change that, to really get that bond back with my sister that I had when we were young (obviously we're extremely close, but I really want to get to that completely straight forward place with her. And I think I will :-))
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on 2007-02-18 10:45 pm (UTC)hugs
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on 2007-02-18 07:30 pm (UTC)I hope it works out for you and Nic, heeheee!
He wouldn't know what fuckin' hit him!
Mwahahahahahaha! ;-)
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on 2007-02-18 10:48 pm (UTC)heeheee
no subject
on 2007-02-16 07:08 pm (UTC)Don't feel bad; I consider myself to be one of the most "adult" and responsible of many of my friends, all owing to that ESTJ personality thing. But my actor crushes didn't return until I was 30 myself!
I did the whole massive crush thing in my early teens (Duran Duran OMG I LOVED THEM), and for many years after that I was only interested in Real!Boyz. But then in 1999, when I was turning 30 myself-- and I'm aging myself here-- I developed a searing hormonal thing for Ewan McGregor. After that it was all downhill-- David Wenham, Orlando, Ioan, etc. And I've even progressed to fictional or animated characters. I watch anime and develop massive crushes on men who are DRAWN. ;)
However, my obsessions have usually been focused around a character, rather than the actor himself. As far as Ewan, it was all about Obi-Wan. Any fanfiction or fantasies I had revolved around the Jedi-ness of him. But I would still watch anything Ewan was in, just to admire his talent and his hottness. Same with Ioan-- it was all about Hornblower, but in the heat of my passion I would still search out anything with him in it, just to drool. I’ll still be at the theater to see Amazing Grace.
According to "professional" things I've read about those people who stalk actors, the percentage of those people is actually very small and what we do is quite innocent in comparison. The ones who are dangerous have something up with them already, and it’s not necessarily their obsession with the actor that’s the real problem.
Truthfully, I've never been very interested in the actors’ personalities themselves, just in what they do on-screen. Yeah, I've read about Ioan's private life, scoffed at his girlfriend's dresses, etc-- I even know someone who's in FF4:2 and have been given the option of going up to Vancouver. But call me crazy, I’d rather save my money for my Japan trip this fall. NOT that I wouldn't maybe pay money to put my tongue on him, if the opportunity was guaranteed, or if I had some Guinness and some Spanish Fly. ;) I’m still a red-blooded woman, after all. (And saying things like that is somewhat “over the line,” but I think it’s perfectly safe to do with your friends who understand you, ha ha!)
Overall, though, I figure my fantasy of the character is best and I'll stick with that. It’s an escape that I enjoy; everyone has their escapes, though some are more socially prevalent than others (sports, politics, etc.) Some people consider actor/character crushes juvenile, but those are often the same people who consider science fiction or fantasy to be juvenile, people whom I consider to have little imagination. And with character/actor crushes you can learn the characters at your leisure and explore them, what you like and what you don’t like. In real life, what if I met Ioan and he was a vapid jerk and I hated him? (Though I actually hear he's super-nice; I'm speaking hypothetically). I've met actors/bands serendipitously who were jerks, and now I don't want to listen to their music/watch their movies.
And the people who like you will understand you! At work they laugh good-naturedly at my pictures/calendars/DOLLS in my office. But those things have brought out the other people like me in the office. I have several women now, some married, some older, some younger, who stop by my office to say “did you see those amazing new pictures of Orlando on the Internet?”
Whew!
As for the tagline on your page, personally I’m not offended. I have the dirtiest mouth EVAR, fuckity fuckity fuck. (Actually, I heard a new obscenity this morning. My minion Jeremy came into my office this morning, saying that another woman in the office was a “thunder-cunt.” I laughed until I almost fell out of my chair.) But the tagline is not work-safe! Even when minimized, it says “I wanna fuck N” at the bottom of my Windows, LOL!
Have a lovely day, deah!!!!
no subject
on 2007-02-18 07:51 pm (UTC)But the tagline is not work-safe! Even when minimized, it says “I wanna fuck N” at the bottom of my Windows, LOL!
Bwahahaha, no it isn't is it? {blush}
Actually, I heard a new obscenity this morning. My minion Jeremy came into my office this morning, saying that another woman in the office was a “thunder-cunt.”
Oh my God, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think my favorite insult of all time comes from my father (who said I had a mouth like a garbage can but never stopped to think where I got it, hehe) upon seeing a female politician on tv he was particularly fed up with: "I hope her twat withers and falls off onto the floor."
He also had one of the greates "clean" insults I've ever heard: "I've only ever truly hated two people in this world--Hilter and [my mom's aunt]." Pause. "And Hitler's only word of mouth."
XD
I'm going to the special hell, aren't I?