Jean: A Legend In My Own Mind (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zouzounaki) wrote2006-08-31 12:51 pm
zouzounaki) wrote2006-08-31 12:51 pm
State of withdrawal
Oy vey. So, I've been meaning to update this for some time and, as a result, my symptoms of withdrawal (I decided to go off of the highly chemically addictive clorazepate, a form of valium, about two months ago) have advanced. My original intention was to update on my progress, but so far I've already gone through three different stages!
1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...
part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...
Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.
Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!
Peace, Ghani
1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...
part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...
Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.
Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!
Peace, Ghani
no subject
What I find interesting in that strange way of interesting is how anxiety affects different people. For me, I shake, for you, you puke.
I also applaud you for stating that you have the suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed to admit I get them, but whenever I do, I think of my family and I think I am NOT going to do that, it is the easy way out. Then I think of all the things I would miss.
I think you have a good view on this. I think I have come out of this a cynic. I used to be optimistic. I honestly think I am not anymore.
So BIG Hugs to you, buddy! Take Care!
no subject
Thank you! :-)
What I find interesting in that strange way of interesting is how anxiety affects different people. For me, I shake, for you, you puke.
It is strange, and I think that's why it's so often misdiagnosed, because the symptoms vary so much from person to person! I've always had a sour stomach because of my nerves but it's only when I kept getting really bad that I started throwing up. Never did as a kid, even when I was sick.
I also applaud you for stating that you have the suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed to admit I get them, but whenever I do, I think of my family and I think I am NOT going to do that, it is the easy way out. Then I think of all the things I would miss.
Definitely. It kind of brings it into my mind's perspective, when I'm feeling that low, to think of how sorely I'd be missed, because that's one of the things that drives me to the thoughts in the first place, the feeling that I could just disappear and no one would notice.
But I know too that I have friends around me that understand completely and that is very heartening too! :-)
I think you have a good view on this. I think I have come out of this a cynic. I used to be optimistic. I honestly think I am not anymore.
I'm definitely much more cynical that I was a year ago, and much, more more than I was when I was in my teens. I remember one day actually turning to my mother and asking her, "What happened? When did I stop being a nice person?" because I was so sensitive and so sweet as a kid. At some point I realized I'd gotten really angry about everything, really bitter, and i do think it's a more healthy process that blindly shoving everything under the rug, like my mom did for so many years.
So BIG Hugs to you, buddy! Take Care!
Thank you and backatcha! I think about you a lot and the trouble you're having because I do know what it's like and I know the same is true with you! HUGS!
Peace, Jean