State of withdrawal

[zouzounaki]

Oy vey. So, I've been meaning to update this for some time and, as a result, my symptoms of withdrawal (I decided to go off of the highly chemically addictive clorazepate, a form of valium, about two months ago) have advanced. My original intention was to update on my progress, but so far I've already gone through three different stages!

1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...

part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...

Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.

Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!

Peace, Ghani

Comments

[dreamybritactor.livejournal.com]

I applaud you!!! I know, as much as you do, what it's like to have feelings you can't control. I am glad you are attempting to take control of your life. Good luck and know that we are here for you.

What I find interesting in that strange way of interesting is how anxiety affects different people. For me, I shake, for you, you puke.

I also applaud you for stating that you have the suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed to admit I get them, but whenever I do, I think of my family and I think I am NOT going to do that, it is the easy way out. Then I think of all the things I would miss.

I think you have a good view on this. I think I have come out of this a cynic. I used to be optimistic. I honestly think I am not anymore.

So BIG Hugs to you, buddy! Take Care!

[ghanistarkiller.livejournal.com]

I applaud you!!! I know, as much as you do, what it's like to have feelings you can't control. I am glad you are attempting to take control of your life. Good luck and know that we are here for you.

Thank you! :-)

What I find interesting in that strange way of interesting is how anxiety affects different people. For me, I shake, for you, you puke.

It is strange, and I think that's why it's so often misdiagnosed, because the symptoms vary so much from person to person! I've always had a sour stomach because of my nerves but it's only when I kept getting really bad that I started throwing up. Never did as a kid, even when I was sick.

I also applaud you for stating that you have the suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed to admit I get them, but whenever I do, I think of my family and I think I am NOT going to do that, it is the easy way out. Then I think of all the things I would miss.

Definitely. It kind of brings it into my mind's perspective, when I'm feeling that low, to think of how sorely I'd be missed, because that's one of the things that drives me to the thoughts in the first place, the feeling that I could just disappear and no one would notice.

But I know too that I have friends around me that understand completely and that is very heartening too! :-)

I think you have a good view on this. I think I have come out of this a cynic. I used to be optimistic. I honestly think I am not anymore.

I'm definitely much more cynical that I was a year ago, and much, more more than I was when I was in my teens. I remember one day actually turning to my mother and asking her, "What happened? When did I stop being a nice person?" because I was so sensitive and so sweet as a kid. At some point I realized I'd gotten really angry about everything, really bitter, and i do think it's a more healthy process that blindly shoving everything under the rug, like my mom did for so many years.

So BIG Hugs to you, buddy! Take Care!

Thank you and backatcha! I think about you a lot and the trouble you're having because I do know what it's like and I know the same is true with you! HUGS!

Peace, Jean

[may-child.livejournal.com]

Blah...prescription drugs can be a pain.

I recently had a very bad reaction to an upped dosage of Norvasc (blood pressure medication). My feet swelled up, and it wasn't like water-retention bloating. When I pressed my finger on a swollen area, it left a depression, like memory foam. YUCK!!

Well, naturally, I went off the Norvasc, but the swelling didn't go down for a week. In fact, it didn't go down until my Thai massage therapist did some "lymph work" or something like that.

[ghanistarkiller.livejournal.com]

Blah...prescription drugs can be a pain.

God, yes! It's funny, at the time she gave it to me, I hadn't really been on anything heavy for years and was just anxious to have something to make me sleep. Addictive, who cares? Didn't really think that one through. I'm trying to get back to that place, where I'm not relying on more and stronger meds to counteract the affects of the others, you know?

I recently had a very bad reaction to an upped dosage of Norvasc (blood pressure medication). My feet swelled up, and it wasn't like water-retention bloating. When I pressed my finger on a swollen area, it left a depression, like memory foam. YUCK!!

Oh, yikes! Those things are damned scary!

Well, naturally, I went off the Norvasc, but the swelling didn't go down for a week. In fact, it didn't go down until my Thai massage therapist did some "lymph work" or something like that.

Figures. (And oh, but that sounds nice, to have a massage therapist! Mmmm!) I dunno, things really are so dangerous now, it really seems to me that people are about 5 times as likely to get side affects as they were ten years ago. Maybe it's the mixing of meds or the way we eat, but, damn!

Big hugs!

Peace, Ghani

[may-child.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm being unduly cynical when I say that it seems like pharmaceutical companies own doctors these days. And don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to prescription drugs. They have their place. But it's kind of scary how, nowadays, there seems to be a pill for everything, and also, how it seems like doctors keep lowering the bar which designates when a given condition requires a medication.

Pharmaceutical companies know how to sell their product, both to doctors and consumers. (I've worked in doctors' offices. I remember when pharmaceutical company representatives dropped by. It was like Christmas! They'd bring catered lunches, pass out all kinds of goodies.) Some doctors hand out drugs like they were candy, and then, as you said, they prescribe other drugs to counteract the effects of the first drugs! And you can't read a magazine without flipping past at least five ads for prescription drugs.

[ghanistarkiller.livejournal.com]

And, as a result of the slap-happy med pushers, a lot of doctors have gone the opposite way and won't give a perscription for love or for money when one would help problem-x immediately! It's a really nasty cycle and it seems to be all reactionary to each other, and all reactionary to $$$! Pneh.

Peace, Ghani

[whistlejacket.livejournal.com]

Call me a sicko, but this made me smile a little. I'm loving the attitude. And I know what you mean, kind of, about feeling optimistic in the midst of such a disagreeable process---the sickness is an outward sign that you're doing something good for yourself, and it's working!

I also can relate a little bit about those suicidal thoughts. I think more of us have entertained them at one time or another than anyone would really guess, and often it's really more of a very, very fervent wish to be quite unconscious for a while than it is to be permanantly out of commission (and gawd, yeah, who wants to think about the practicalities??? Eeep!) But you tell people that and they freak, don't they? But ya know, certain friends of yours would probably not been freaked out at all if you'd shared those thoughts, especially if you expressed them the way you have here. :-) Just sayin'.

And today I thought of you when listening to "Rogue's Gallery" on the i-Pod and a very rude song came on about "The Good Ship Venus" whose "figurehead was a whore in bed sucking on a dead man's penis". Ew! Bwahahahaaaa!

;-) WJ

[ghanistarkiller.livejournal.com]

Call me a sicko, but this made me smile a little. I'm loving the attitude. And I know what you mean, kind of, about feeling optimistic in the midst of such a disagreeable process---the sickness is an outward sign that you're doing something good for yourself, and it's working!

Exactly! As a matter of fact, while I might have a down swing sometime soon, despite the sickness, I haven't felt this good in a long, long time! Now I have to start working on a few things, like getting my libido back (I think that'll be easier when I'm not so damned exhausted all the time, but that's just the phase I'm going through) and answering good friends in a prompt manner (*blush*)!

I also can relate a little bit about those suicidal thoughts. I think more of us have entertained them at one time or another than anyone would really guess, and often it's really more of a very, very fervent wish to be quite unconscious for a while than it is to be permanantly out of commission

I remember that was the very first thing my very first shrink said to me, that when you say youn wish you were dead, you mean you wish everything was better. And it's true though I rolled my eyes at the time because she was my guidance counselor and who listens to them? ;-)

(and gawd, yeah, who wants to think about the practicalities??? Eeep!)

Hehe, perhaps I've thought about the practicalities too much, because, well, ew! Then again, I am the one who watched Night of the Living Dead and considered the practicalities of what to do in case of a zombie attack. And I'm seriously not kidding! XD

But you tell people that and they freak, don't they? But ya know, certain friends of yours would probably not been freaked out at all if you'd shared those thoughts, especially if you expressed them the way you have here. :-) Just sayin'.

Oh, I know it! :-) There was actually more to it with the paranoia, that I didn't want to write to friends because of what might come out that I really wish I didn't say later, about other people mostly. Certain friends got a little bit of that, heh, and, on my end certianly, it wasn't really pleasant of me to do.

And today I thought of you when listening to "Rogue's Gallery" on the i-Pod and a very rude song came on about "The Good Ship Venus" whose "figurehead was a whore in bed sucking on a dead man's penis". Ew! Bwahahahaaaa!

Bwahahahahahaha! Have to check it out! XD

Peace