State of withdrawal

[zouzounaki]

Oy vey. So, I've been meaning to update this for some time and, as a result, my symptoms of withdrawal (I decided to go off of the highly chemically addictive clorazepate, a form of valium, about two months ago) have advanced. My original intention was to update on my progress, but so far I've already gone through three different stages!

1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...

part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...

Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.

Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!

Peace, Ghani

Comments

[ghanistarkiller.livejournal.com]

Call me a sicko, but this made me smile a little. I'm loving the attitude. And I know what you mean, kind of, about feeling optimistic in the midst of such a disagreeable process---the sickness is an outward sign that you're doing something good for yourself, and it's working!

Exactly! As a matter of fact, while I might have a down swing sometime soon, despite the sickness, I haven't felt this good in a long, long time! Now I have to start working on a few things, like getting my libido back (I think that'll be easier when I'm not so damned exhausted all the time, but that's just the phase I'm going through) and answering good friends in a prompt manner (*blush*)!

I also can relate a little bit about those suicidal thoughts. I think more of us have entertained them at one time or another than anyone would really guess, and often it's really more of a very, very fervent wish to be quite unconscious for a while than it is to be permanantly out of commission

I remember that was the very first thing my very first shrink said to me, that when you say youn wish you were dead, you mean you wish everything was better. And it's true though I rolled my eyes at the time because she was my guidance counselor and who listens to them? ;-)

(and gawd, yeah, who wants to think about the practicalities??? Eeep!)

Hehe, perhaps I've thought about the practicalities too much, because, well, ew! Then again, I am the one who watched Night of the Living Dead and considered the practicalities of what to do in case of a zombie attack. And I'm seriously not kidding! XD

But you tell people that and they freak, don't they? But ya know, certain friends of yours would probably not been freaked out at all if you'd shared those thoughts, especially if you expressed them the way you have here. :-) Just sayin'.

Oh, I know it! :-) There was actually more to it with the paranoia, that I didn't want to write to friends because of what might come out that I really wish I didn't say later, about other people mostly. Certain friends got a little bit of that, heh, and, on my end certianly, it wasn't really pleasant of me to do.

And today I thought of you when listening to "Rogue's Gallery" on the i-Pod and a very rude song came on about "The Good Ship Venus" whose "figurehead was a whore in bed sucking on a dead man's penis". Ew! Bwahahahaaaa!

Bwahahahahahaha! Have to check it out! XD

Peace