Weapons of Class Destruction

Oy vey. So, I've been meaning to update this for some time and, as a result, my symptoms of withdrawal (I decided to go off of the highly chemically addictive clorazepate, a form of valium, about two months ago) have advanced. My original intention was to update on my progress, but so far I've already gone through three different stages!

1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...

part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...

Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.

Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!

Peace, Ghani