State of withdrawal

[zouzounaki]

Oy vey. So, I've been meaning to update this for some time and, as a result, my symptoms of withdrawal (I decided to go off of the highly chemically addictive clorazepate, a form of valium, about two months ago) have advanced. My original intention was to update on my progress, but so far I've already gone through three different stages!

1- Ah, the regular symptoms of perscription drug withdrawal, including the shakes, regular panic attacks, mood swings and depression. I used to think this was the absolute worst, back when I was going off of paxil, and it was pretty bad; my mom was horrified to see that I looked and acted like what she called a heroin addict. But, of course, with a mind altering substance, you're always gonna go deeper...

part the second- Yes, and here came the intense depression and paranoia, maybe even a suicidal thought or two or twenty (not to worry, though! I'm not one to seriously contemplate the realities of suicide, even when I'm going through a period of suicidal hate! It's a different thing, to think about it than to actually think about doing it). It was around here I stopped really answering friends' e-mails because I was afraid of what I might say; I couldn't really control the feelings and didn't want anyone to worry...

Numero tres- Oh and what a delight this was when it hit me the other night. Anxiety, resltessness and, oh, my personal favorite, puking. Well, technically dry heaving when there was nothing left in my stomach. The not sleeping is always the hardest, luckily I did last night or else it'd be a slippery slope down into a nervous breakdown.

Well, there it is. Every time I think to myself, 'Well, it' can't be much more than this', it surprises me. But what surprises me the most is that I have an optimistic view on all of this. Hey, it's great to be getting this dangerous stuff out of my body, especially when there's a real chance that it was building to toxic levels in my blood stream, if it hadn't already. I've already proven that I don't have an addictive personality, I don't reach for one when things get hard just to get a quick fix and make it stop; that's totally counter-productive, in my opnion, though I know some people can't help it. So, life goes on and, sooner or later, this will just be another chapter in my history. Yeah, it's been hard, which is ahuge understatement, but it's for the best, and I can't really ever not be positive about something I can say that with!

Peace, Ghani

Comments

[dreamybritactor.livejournal.com]

I applaud you!!! I know, as much as you do, what it's like to have feelings you can't control. I am glad you are attempting to take control of your life. Good luck and know that we are here for you.

What I find interesting in that strange way of interesting is how anxiety affects different people. For me, I shake, for you, you puke.

I also applaud you for stating that you have the suicidal thoughts. I am ashamed to admit I get them, but whenever I do, I think of my family and I think I am NOT going to do that, it is the easy way out. Then I think of all the things I would miss.

I think you have a good view on this. I think I have come out of this a cynic. I used to be optimistic. I honestly think I am not anymore.

So BIG Hugs to you, buddy! Take Care!

[may-child.livejournal.com]

Blah...prescription drugs can be a pain.

I recently had a very bad reaction to an upped dosage of Norvasc (blood pressure medication). My feet swelled up, and it wasn't like water-retention bloating. When I pressed my finger on a swollen area, it left a depression, like memory foam. YUCK!!

Well, naturally, I went off the Norvasc, but the swelling didn't go down for a week. In fact, it didn't go down until my Thai massage therapist did some "lymph work" or something like that.

[whistlejacket.livejournal.com]

Call me a sicko, but this made me smile a little. I'm loving the attitude. And I know what you mean, kind of, about feeling optimistic in the midst of such a disagreeable process---the sickness is an outward sign that you're doing something good for yourself, and it's working!

I also can relate a little bit about those suicidal thoughts. I think more of us have entertained them at one time or another than anyone would really guess, and often it's really more of a very, very fervent wish to be quite unconscious for a while than it is to be permanantly out of commission (and gawd, yeah, who wants to think about the practicalities??? Eeep!) But you tell people that and they freak, don't they? But ya know, certain friends of yours would probably not been freaked out at all if you'd shared those thoughts, especially if you expressed them the way you have here. :-) Just sayin'.

And today I thought of you when listening to "Rogue's Gallery" on the i-Pod and a very rude song came on about "The Good Ship Venus" whose "figurehead was a whore in bed sucking on a dead man's penis". Ew! Bwahahahaaaa!

;-) WJ