Okay, so there are things fans are always telling you you need to know to watch
LOST, the basics usually including things like the numbers, the black smoke Monster, the Black Rock, and possibly extended to Sawyer's love of nicknames and the crazy French chick. But what such conversations typically
don't include are the show's other essential elements: the unintentionally hilarious ones! So I've decided to compile a list of five of my favorites (illustrated for your enjoyment!) in tribute to my favorite of primetime mindfuck dramas.
1. Jears-Very rarely are a male character's tears so epic, so freely flowing and so often seen that they demand their own smush name! Second only to Dr. Jack's crazy eyes in unfettered emotion shown by the show's lead is his manly but profuse crying spells. Truly a sight to behold!
Aww, you made Jack cry! You're a member of the club now!2. Flashback Hair-Beware, all ye with dark secrets in your past, for not only will the skeletons well hidden in your closet be revealed, but your most horrifying secret of all, your terrible wig, will also be ruthlessly exposed! From horrid hair extensions to ratty head doilies intended to make the actor in question look younger, no one seems immune! Dr. Jack's allegedly shaggy mop of hair seems to be aiming for his
Party of Five days but falls more into the category of novelty yarn Beatles wig while Libby's brunette hair seems to have been achieved by simply not washing for possibly months.
"Why, yes, this is really my hair. Why do you ask?"3. The Nikki and PauloSeldom are new characters so poorly integrated into a show as it exists that they become the template for a cliche that describes themselves, hence the 'The' before their names. Still following? Good. Even the fact that Paulo is played by Rodrigo Santoro (and, if you know me, will understand the gravity of my next statement as you will know that I want to do wickedly carnal things to him best not described in polite company or even my blog!) cannot save them from the fact that their, to quote Entertainment Weekly, "wedged-in entrance would’ve been more stilted only if they’d been wearing winter parkas." Their creators admitted that they were "universally despised" but promised that, when they came to their final end, they would be "iconic characters." Indeed they did, but not in any good way. Their legacy? Paulo's diarrhea. Fitting.
They were pretty to look at, I'll give them that. Though I think Rodrigo might have exuded more charm as Xerxes in
300.
Fans' favorite part of the Nikki and Paulo storyline.4. Nicknames-And, no, not Sawyer's nicknames for others, an annoying habit that the writers, even in season five, can't seem to break themselves of, but rather the ones that the others (not the
Others, but the other LOSTies, such as the castaways are called) come up with for Locke. Mount Baldy, Mr. Clean, Cue Ball, Colonel Kurtz, Freak of Nature to name just a few. And, of course, there's always the most descriptive: Bald Wanker and Wacko.
"Why, no, I'm not mentally unstable at all! Why do you ask?"5. Crazy Immortal Eye-Patch Guy-Does anyone truly believe that Mikhail is truly dead? Really? 'Cause the guy got his brain fried and was shot through the chest with a spear gun and
still managed to get back up to use a grenade to obliterate the communications center of an underwater base, taking a beloved cast member with him, and seemingly destroying himself. I'll believe it when I see the pieces--and maybe not even then!
"Booyah, bitches! Suck grenade!"In closing: don't take things too seriously, even if you're hopelessly obsessed with a TV show you acknowledge to be pure but completely engaging fiction (or is it?!) Life's too short and there's too much to laugh at! Salude!
Peace, Ghani
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